Looped

It was a dream made from a memory. Maria and Nina just finished lunch on the second story balcony of the charming seaside restaurant they'd stumbled upon during their 'Day of Adventures'. It was a crisp, early Indian Summer afternoon, too cold for swimming, but too warm for a jacket. It felt as if the warm, golden sun and crisp North wind were flirting with each other against a backdrop of brilliant, blue sky. This was the last Sunday they’d spend at the beach this year. Next week they'd drive North into the country, for pumpkin picking and fresh apple cider donuts.


Nina was gazing at the distant ocean while chattering excitedly about everything they would do once they got to the Boardwalk. Maria couldn't have been more pleased to see Nina acting - almost - like her old self again.


"We'll have cotton candy and go on rides. Will you go on the Tilt-A-Whirl with me, Tia?"


"As long as you promise not to vomit on me again, baby."


"Tiaaaa! That was ONE time and I was 5."


Maria smiled affectionately at her seven-year-old niece. Her relationship with Nina filled a void for both of them. For Maria it was an opportunity to indulge her nurturing side, and for Nina it provided a rare chance to be nurtured.


Maria's smile faded as her thoughts flitted to her sister, Nina's mother. Rosa was a piece of work. Rosa had it all; beauty, brains, charm…she could have done anything she wanted to in life. As it turned out, all Rosa wanted to do was party. She'd dropped out of High School, in the beginning of her senior year (with near-perfect grades), to go on tour with a ska band.


Maria's parents were heartbroken by the loss of the eldest of their two daughters. More so, when the occasional postcards and pictures of Rosa (surrounded by strange men, with wild hair - usually smoking something) stopped entirely.


Maria could never compete with Rosa for their parents affections. Rosa was the golden child. For a brief, shining moment, after Rosa ran away, Maria thought she could usurp her sister's place. She was very wrong. Her parents shriveled into husks of themselves. Instead of constantly feeling second-best, Maria learned what it was like to feel completely abandoned.

Maria, though admittedly not as smart or beautiful as her sister, had two qualities Rosa did not possess: ambition and a kind heart. During the 15 years after Rosa disappeared, Maria graduated from high school, worked her way through community college and found a good job working for a local marketing firm. She managed to carved a nice little slice of life for herself - despite growing up in the coldness of her absent sister's shadow.

Maria's neat life was thrown into a tailspin when Rosa returned - almost 16 years to the day she disappeared. Rosa was still beautiful but worn, faded somehow - her fast lifestyle was etched clearly on her face. The harsh surprise of Rosa's return was gloriously enhanced by Nina.

No questions asked, Maria's parents welcomed their wayward daughter and infant granddaughter home with open arms. With many reservations, Maria welcomed her sister back into her life and unabashedly fell madly in love with her baby niece. Rosa hadn't changed a bit since she left home at 17. If anything, she had become more selfish, vapid and vain than she was as a teenager.

On her worst days, Maria spitefully thought that it was a miracle her sister had managed to keep an infant alive. While those thoughts caused Maria shame (she knew it was not her place to judge her sister) they came more frequently the older Nina grew.

Maria offered to watch Nina whenever Rosa wanted to go out - which was pretty much all the time. Soon, little Nina was spending more time with her aunt than her mother; which was fine by Maria.

Tragedy struck when Nina was 5 years old. A carbon monoxide leak, slowly suffocated Maria's parents one evening while they slept. Luckily, Nina was staying at Maria's apartment that night and Rosa, typically, was out for the evening.

In the wake of their parents death, Maria became suspicious of her sister. At the funeral, Rosa carried herself with far much more grief than Maria suspected she actually felt for their late parents. Even the news that they recently named her the sole beneficiary of their will, didn't seem to provide Rosa with any kind of consolation. Maria hated herself for her suspicions - but she couldn't shake them.

A few weeks after their parents funeral, after not hearing anything from Rosa for several days, Maria and Nina went to check on her. Maria was completely aghast by the condition of her parent’s house. The skunky smell of marijuana and something else, something sharper, assaulted them as soon as Maria opened the front door. An anorexically thin man who'd been sitting on the patch of floor sunlight touched when the door opened, scuttled deeper into the family room - cockroach style.

Maria was aware of Nina insistent tugging on her skirt as she took in the spectacle before her. Rosa, now glaring at her sister, was standing in the middle of a group of raggedy looking people, gesturing her hands, as if she'd been pontificating. The room was dark, smokey and warm - lit by dozens of candles.

"What do you want?" Rosa snapped.

"I want to go now." Nina's voice caught Rosa's attention.

"Nina! My darling girl." Rosa stretched out her arms but Nina stayed close to Maria.

"Come here, my love. Show Mommy's new friends what a good girl you are.”

Nina didn't budge.

Rosa rounded on Maria, looking slightly demonic in the flickering candle light.

"What have you done to her? Why have you turned my own daughter against me?”

Although Maria knew it was pointless to argue with her sister when she was like this, she took a deep breath, tightened her grip on her niece's little hand and calmly told her sister, "I did no such thing, Rosa. You know that. Look around you, she's scared."

Rosa knelt down on the ground in front of her daughter and held out her arms again. 

"Darling, I've missed you. Come and give Mommy a hug."

"No!" Nina shrieked. "Tia! I don't want Mommy!! I want to go!!"

Maria's heart sank as she witnessed her sister’s emotional response to Nina words. Rage burned in Nina's eyes, no trace of sadness, just white-hot, jealous rage.

"Rosa," Maria began backing toward the door. "Call us when you aren't so… busy. We all get all this sorted out. It's been a difficult few weeks for everyone…"

One of the people surrounding Rosa let out a small cough. They had been watching the exchange with slack jaws and wide eyes. The reminder of their presence seemed to calm Rosa, somewhat.

Fury still flashed in her eyes but Rose's voice was calm when she replied, "Yes. That's fine. I'll call you in a few days."

Maria looked back at her sister on the way to the car. Again, Maria was struck by the thought that her sister looked evil. Rosa stood in the doorway, back lit by shadows, with her arms above her, leaning slightly out the door. A sudden gust of wind drew her, long dark hair forward around her face. A feline smile touched her Rosa's lips as she noticed her sister watching her. Then her dark eyes fixed on her daughter.

When the knock came on Maria's door two days later, her world fell apart. The police accused her of kidnapping but said that Rosa would be willing to drop all charges as long as her daughter was returned. Over both Maria and Nina vehement protest, the police took Nina away - kicking and screaming. They told Maria that the law was the law and if she didn't like it she could go to court.

That very day Maria file child endangerment charges against her sister. Maria was mystified when several days later when she was shown a glowing report from the investigating social worker. When Maria finally went to confront her sister, she was further mystified by what she found. Her parents house had been completely restored. It was clean, bright and smelled vaguely of dusky incense instead of drugs.

Rosa's transformation was also quite shocking. She greeted Maria cordially, looking significantly more presentable than the last time they met, and invited her sister in for tea.

Over tea and biscuits, Rosa thanks Maria for being there for Nina.

"I was in a really rough place, but I'm doing much better now. Thank you for helping me with Nina, sister dear. I appreciate it. I'm ready to be a full-time mom again." Rosa's said with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

Maria didn't know what to think. There were still several random people in the house, but they were tidy and seem to be doing odd jobs.

"Can I see Nina?" Maria asked hopefully.

"Mmmmm" Rosa mused with a tiny frown. "I don't think that's a very good idea for right now. Nina and I need some time to ourselves to become…reacquainted."

"Where is she?" Maria asked, unable to keep the disappointment out of her voice.

"She's upstairs in her room. Your old room actually. she's having some independent play time and then we're going to have a tea party. I really shouldn't fill up on any more biscuits right now."

Rosa stood and Maria realize she was being dismissed. She wanted to demand access to Nina but realized she didn't have the right.

When they reached the door, Rosa smile triumphantly at her sister. "Two weeks from Sunday you can take Nina out for a little play-date. How does that sound? I'll call you during the week to set it up."

"Ok, Rosa. Call me if you need anything before then." Maria managed before turning away to hide her tears from her sister.

"Ok, bye!" Rosa brightly called after her before shutting the door with a final thud.

Maria got into her car and cast a longing look up at her girlhood bedroom window. For a moment she thought she caught a glimpse of a pair of dark, haunted eyes watching her - but when she looked closer there was nothing there.

That Sunday Maria arrived 5 minutes early to pick up Nina at 9 in the morning. The first 'Sunday-Funday' Maria and Nina spent together after their brief separation was brutal. Nina seemed to have aged years in those few weeks and she'd significantly withdrawn into herself.

Maria had been expecting her niece to feel betrayed or accuse her of leaving her. She'd mentally prepared for an outburst of childish emotion. There was none of that. There was nothing - Nina's affect was completely flat.

"Are you ok, baby?" Maria asked.

"I'm fine." Nina replied without meeting her aunt's eyes.

"Is your mother being good to you?"

"My mother is very good to me. She's a wonderful person," Nina's monochromatic answers terrified Maria.

"Is she feeding you good? Does she make those cookies you like?" The desperation that Maria was feeling for some genuine indication of her nieces well-being was evident in her voice.

"I have everything I need and more." Nina replied, sounding scripted.

Maria asked a million questions that day, but she only got one genuine answer in return.

"Baby, baby! Look at me!" Maria cried, "What's going on? What's your mother doing to you over there?"

Nina looked into Maria eyes and solemnly said, "It's better for you if you don't know."

When Maria dropped Nina off at home, she waited until her niece walked up the stairs to her bedroom before confronting her sister.

"What on Earth are you doing to that poor child?"

"Why? What did she say?" Rosa asked in return.

"Nothing, Rosa. She hardly said anything, she barely touched her food. She's like a completely different child. What are you doing to her?" Maria shrieked irrationally.

"Maria! Calm down. What's the matter with you? Nina's fine. She told you that herself, didn't she?" Rosa's expression was nothing short of satisfied. Maria wanted to throttle her but took a deep, calming breath instead.

"I want to see her room right now." Maria wasn't asking.

"Fine, fine " Rosa waved a dismissive hand. "Go on up. I have things to attend to, anyway. But, Maria, I don't expect this kind of behavior from you in the future. I'd hate to have to decide you are unfit for outings with MY daughter." The thinly veiled threat echoed in Maria's ears long after her sister walked away.

Maria walked up to her old bedroom and knocked lightly on the door before entering. The same delicate blue that she'd chosen as a child graced the walls, the furniture gleamed and the pale beige carpet was clean. Nina sat in the middle of the bed, clutching a teddy bear and staring vaguely  out the window. 

"I'm sorry I wasn't so much fun today, Tia. I'll try harder to be better next time."

"Nina, don't have to be better! You have to be honest. Please, tell me what's going on."

Nina hugged her ferociously then. Her stoic veneer cracked and tears filled her eyes.

"I wish you were my mom." Nina whispered against Maria's neck.

"Baby, tell me what's going on. If it's not safe for you here, maybe I can help you. Maybe I can take you away."

"You can't help me, Tia." Nina's dark eyes were wide but her voice was flat. "She'd kill you if you tried to take me away."



******************************************

Every Sunday-Funday after that got a little better until Nina was almost herself again. Maria convinced herself that the trauma of being separated from her primary caregiver compounded with the death of her grandparents was the reason for her niece's strange behavior.

This Sunday, Maria was genuinely happy. Nina seemed to be herself again. Maria didn't have nearly as much access to her 'baby' as she'd like, so she treasured each moment they had together.

Maria paid the bill, ruffled Nina's hair and asked if she was ready to go.

"I want you to take my picture first." Nina replied to Maria's surprise. Nina had always been one of those kids who hated having their picture taken.

"Ok." Maria agreed, fumbling in her purse for her phone.

"Look at me and say -"

"No. I want to sit up there." Nina said, pointing to the balcony ledge.

"Oh, I don't know, baby. Isn't that a little dangerous?"

"It'll be a really great picture. Please?"

"Ok, but I'll help you up and down and you just hold still up there."

Maria scooped Nina off the ground and carefully deposited her on the foot wide, concrete balcony wall. She backed up, never taking her eyes off Nina and opened the camera app on her phone.

"Ok, baby. Smile!"

Nina did smile. Maria took the most beautiful picture of her niece, with a radiant sunlit cloud behind her and an angelic smile on her face - the moment before she leaned too far back and fell. Maria screamed and raced for the balcony in time to see her niece, crumpled on the sidewalk below the balcony with blood pooling around her head and a shadow of a smile still playing on her lips.





******************************************





Maria woke up, screaming, in the throes of a panic attack. She was in the backseat of her car with blood running down her face and no idea where she was.

She choked on a deep breath, trying to manage the attack with one of the tools her therapist taught her, in the wake of Nina's death - 2 years ago. By now, she had many tools in her 'emotional toolbox' but nothing worked as well as the magical yellow pills that seemed to put her emotions to sleep.

Several, steeling breaths later, Maria's heart rate calmed from 'hummingbird on crack' to 'being chased by the police' level. She, shakily, opened the back driver's side door of the car and stepped out, onto a dirt road.

The front end of the car was wrapped around a tree. The airbag, speckled with blood, was sagging, pathetically, around the steering wheel and white smoke was pouring out from under the Toyota's crumpled hood. Maria fruitlessly tried to open the driver side door. It wouldn't budge. The spider webbed glass of the windshield was miraculously in place, but the car door windows had, apparently, shattered on impact.

Panic level rising, Maria desperately tried to piece together the events that led her to her current predicament. Nina's death, on her watch, sent Maria into a deep, dark downward spiral. Rosa was inconsolable. The grief of losing her daughter manifested itself as bipolar in Rosa. One moment she was catatonic then the next she was rage screaming at anyone within earshot - most often Maria.

Nothing Rosa accused Maria of came as a shock, nothing hurt, nothing permeated the armor of self-loathing and despair Maria wore. For the first time in her life, Maria agreed with everything her sister said.

Yes, she was irresponsible. Yes, it was all her fault. Yes, Nina would still be alive if it weren't for her. Yes, Rosa was good to allow her to go to the funeral. Yes, Rosa was good to even speak to her. Yes, she was the spawn of the devil and deserve to die.

The services passed in a blur. Rosa was glorious at her daughter's funeral. Wearing a sleek black dress and over-sized sunglasses behind a mourning veil, Rosa shook with suppressed emotion. So much so, she had to be supported by several of her ever present friends. She screamed like a wounded animal when they started lowering her daughter's body into the ground. Someone caught her before she could throw herself on the coffin and carried her away.

Maria was the last to leave the cemetery after the funeral. She knelt by the fresh mounds of dirt that covered 'her baby'. Tears poured down her cheeks and she wanted nothing more than to dig herself into Nina's grave and wait for oblivion to take her, too.

It was the oblivion Maria was seeking, several weeks later, when she swallowed a handful of sedatives with a glass of wine and took a straight razor to the tub. She'd be dead if it weren't for Nina.

In group therapy, during her mandatory 72-hour evaluation in the psych department of the hospital where they revived her, Maria stubbornly clung to the belief that her niece saved her - despite all evidence to the contrary.

"I swear. My head had just gone underwater. I was feeling so woozy and I could barely see. That's when Nina ran into the bathroom and pulled me out of the bathtub. She was glowing like an angel. She told me it wasn't my time - that I wasn't done yet. And then the next thing I know, I was waking up in the hospital."

"But Maria, how could Nina - the spirit of Nina pull you out of the bathtub?" Her therapist couldn't keep the disbelief out of his voice.

"It was a miracle."

Maria's 'miracle' was a head-scratcher for local law enforcement and the hospital staff. A call to 911, made from Maria's cell phone, at 9:07pm (approximately the same time as her ill-fated bubble bath) gave some ambiguous support to Maria's story.


Operater: 911. What is your emergency?

Caller: It's m…(inaudible)...ia. Come quick!

Operater: What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: She's dying!

Operator: What is the address?

Caller: 32-B Village Garden Apartments. Hurry!

When first responders arrived at Maria's apartment, found the front door unlocked and Maria, unconscious on her bloody bathroom floor with tourniquets wrapped tightly around both arms - just above her elbows. The water in the bathtub was a delicate shade of pink, suggesting that she had been pulled out almost immediately after slitting her wrists.

Maria insisted that, not only had she locked and bolted her apartment door, she hadn't told anyone about her plans and there was no one who'd be looking for her. The voice on the recording from the 911 call had a wispy, childish quality but was too garbled to clearly identify. Maria swore it was Nina and no amount of logic could convince her otherwise.

Behind closed doors, Maria's therapists decided that her 'magical thinking' while delusional, gave Maria something to believe in - a reason to live. They neither encouraged, nor argued with her, about the events the evening of her thwarted suicide attempt; choosing instead, to focus on treating her PTSD and depression.

Maria's physical wounds faded faster than those left on her heart, but she slowly began to heal. She eventually returned to work and developed a strict routine that helped her function.

Staring at smashed windows of her broken car, on a road she didn't recognize, with no idea how she got there, Maria fought against a rising tide of panic. Her head ached and she could feel various tender places on her body that she was sure would become bruises. The last thing she remembered was going home after picking up Chinese take out, on Thursday evening, after work.

She moved to the passenger door of the car and silently prayed that it would open. It did, but Maria's celebration was cut short when she realized her pocketbook was nowhere to be found in the rubble of smashed glass in the car.

Maria slammed the car door shut and then sagged against it, tears welling in her eyes. All at once, she realized how desperate her situation was. She had no phone, no money, no anxiety medication and absolutely no idea where she was or how she got there. None of the tools she learned in therapy had prepared her for this.

"Ok, ok. Get it together. Crying isn't going to help you." Maria told herself, wiping hot tears from her cheeks. The sound of her own voice was mildly calming so she continued talking to herself.

"First, see how badly you're hurt." The passenger side mirror was intact. Maria crouched down and studied her reflection. She had a jagged cut on her forehead but it didn't seem too bad. She swiped at the blood trail with the sleeve of her long sleeve T-shirt then gasped in surprised when she recognized what she was wearing.

It was a Seaside Heights, NJ T-shirt she bought the first time she ever took Nina to the boardwalk. Nina fell in love with the glittery, rainbow unicorn on the t-shirt and was devastated when there we're not available in children's sizes. Maria bought the shirt and promised to keep it safe until Nina was big enough to wear it. She'd stowed it away in her closet and forgotten about its existence until this very moment.

The memory hurt worse than any of her injuries. Maria began sobbing in earnest.

"Tia! You have to start walking. It will be night time soon."

On a sharp intake of breath, Maria looked wildly around only to discover she was as alone as she had been since her ordeal began.

"Nina?" The shock of hearing her niece's voice as clear as day brought Maria back to the present.

"You have to go!" Nina's voice again - fainter this time.

"No, Nina! Don't go! Stay with me!" Maria screamed into the sky. There was no reply up Maria realized the voice was right, the Sun was sinking - it would be night soon. Maria opened the passenger door and carefully took inventory of the contents of her car.

Nothing in the car itself would be of any use but there was a jacket in the trunk. Gingerly, with respect for the saftey glass that littered the seats, Maria fumbled under the driver's seat for the trunk release. From the trunk she retrieved the jacket and on a whim, grabbed the tire iron from her spare wheel well; all the while cursing herself for not keeping any food or water in the car.

Hearing Nina's voice made Maria feel a little better. Some of her terror abated with the knowledge that her guardian angel was watching over her. Without a backwards glance at the car, Maria started walking in the direction of the setting sun hoping she would soon come across someone who could help her.

Hope is a frail thing. Trudging down the road, without a change in scenery for - what seemed like hours - Maria's hope was gone.

The initial calm she felt, after hearing Nina's voice had been replaced by unbridled panic. It was twilight now and Maria hadn't passed one sign of civilization. Each time she came to a hill on the tree lined dirt road, she prayed that a gas station or a house would appear on the other side. However, every time she reached the top of the hill, the only thing she found was a little more physical exhaustion. Her legs were feeling distinctly shaky and she was incredibly thirsty.

Maria sat down by the side of the road and buried her head in her hands. She thought about laying down to rest for a while. Maybe someone would come by and save her, maybe wild animals would eat her - either option was preferable to wandering around, lost, in the dark

"Just a little farther!" Maria wasn't sure if she was actually hearing Nina's voice or just a manifestation of her own subconscious. Either way, she decided to comply and walk just a little bit more. Soon, she came to another hill. She laughed out loud, rather madly, thinking about everything she'd have to talk about in her next therapy session.

That laughter carried to the top of the hill where a truly beautiful sight met Maria's eyes - a big, old fashioned farmhouse with porch lights shining on either side of the front door. Relief coursed through her body and she quickened her pace down the hill. Help was close - at long last.

As she got closer, Maria realized that the farmhouse was quite run down. Scrubby plants lined the worn path to the front of the house where a wraparound front porch sagged sadly. Most of the house's paint had chipped away long ago revealing weathered wood. Were there any other choices, Maria wouldn't have knocked on the front door, but beggars can't be choosers and the bright porch lights gave a modicum of confidence.

The first time, Maria knocked softly.

No response.

The second time, Maria knocked much louder.

This time, the latch keeping the door closed jostled open and the wooden door slowly creaked open a few inches.

"Hello?" Maria called uncertainty. "Hello, is anybody home?"

Her words were met with silence and a slightly musty smell emanating from the house.

"Hello?!?" Maria called out louder than before, while pushing the door open with her foot. She was tightly gripping the tire iron in both hands - praying that she wouldn't have to use it to defend herself - and took a tentative step inside.

The interior of the house was darker than the fading day. Maria found herself wishing for her cell phone for the millionth time since waking up in her car.

"Hello?? Is there anybody there?" Maria yelled as loudly as she could. "I had a car accident down the road. I really need to use your phone."

Her only answer was a faint echo of her own voice. Maria took a step backwards and fought the urge to scream in frustration. She was debating the merits of walking farther down the road in search of another house when a tingling on the back of her neck alerted her to a presence behind her. She turned and saw a huge, grey dog staring at her from the edge of the road. The dog's hackles were raised. When Maria met it's eyes, it crouched down and began growling softly.

"Nice doggie." she said softly, tightening her grip on the tire iron. "That's a good dog. I don't want to hurt you -" Maria stopped talking when the dog growled louder.

"Tia, run!"

Without hesitation, Maria raced farther into the house and slammed the door shut on the terrifying sight of the dog charging toward her, with bared teeth and murderous eyes. She fumbled with the unfamiliar door's lock, managing to close it securely moments before the dog attacked.

Barking furiously, the dog began jumping and scratching at the door, causing it to shake in it's frame. Maria stood, wide-eyed watching the door rattle, praying it would hold as the dog snarled on the other side. Then, it stopped. The sudden quiet was unnerving. Maria strained her ears but could only hear the staccato beating of her own heart. She let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding and wiped perspiration - born of terror- from under her eyes.

It seemed like the dog, denied of it's target, had moved on, but Maria wasn't about to take any chances. She wasn't crazy about the odds of her tire iron against a creature with claws and fangs. Slowly, as quietly as possible, Maria crept forward to the door. She gingerly pressed her ear against the door. A few silent moments passed. Maria considered opening the door but she was racked with indecision and her thoughts were still fogged with fear.

"Nina," she whispered. "Baby, tell me what to do."

Her words were swallowed by the dark, musty room. There was no reply.

She tightened her grip on the tire iron and fumbled for the doorknob - jarring the door slightly in the process.

The dog began barking madly again, snarling and scratching at the door with renewed vigor. More terrifying, were the distant howls Maria heard in the distance. She leaned against the door, lowered herself the floor, buried her face in her hands and began to cry.





******************************************





"Can I buy you a drink?"

Maria cast and appraising look at the gentleman to her left and nodded in acquiescence.

"What'll you have?" The dark haired stranger asked while flagging the bartender over.

"I'll have a vodka cranberry." She replied, gazing coyly at her would-be suitor.

"A vodka cranberry for the lady and a Heineken for me."

"You come here often?" Maria inquired when their drinks arrived.

"Actually, I've never been here before. But I'm sure glad I came." He replied, looking at her appreciatively. "My name's Frank. I'm just passing through."

Maria's eyes sparkled as she thanked him for her drink.

'Just passing through' was a beautiful statement. It meant no obligations, no commitment...nothing more than a one night stand. Perfect for what Maria was seeking for the evening.

"I”m Maria. It’s nice to meet you. So, what do you do, Frank, who's just passing through?"

“I’m a writer.”

“Have I read anything you’ve written?” Maria inquired coquettishly.

“Unless you’re really into technical manuals, probably not.” Frank replied with a self deprecating grin.

“And what about you, Maria? What do you do?” Even though Maria knew the question was coming, she wasn’t quite prepared to answer it.

Unnecessarily tugging her sweater sleeves past the nasty scars on her wrists, Maria imagined her new friend’s reaction if she told the unvarnished truth: 

“Well Frank. I’m on disability from my job because I tried to kill myself after my niece died. Did I mention that her death was all my fault? I go to group therapy five times a week and have weekly check-ins with my psychiatrist...so that takes up most of my time. They think I’m extra-crispy-crazy because I believe that the spirit of my deceased niece saved my life. I’m only here tonight because I thought that casual sex with a stranger might cheer me up a little bit. I probably shouldn’t be drinking - what, with all the meds I’m taking but YOLO, am I right? Cheers! So, what kind of things do you do for fun?”

Maria decided to circumnavigate her awkward past by shrouding herself in mystery. The vodka was making her feel silly and more carefree than she had in months.

“Well, Frank. If I told you that, I’d have to kill you.” Maria winked at him over her glass.

Several drinks later, after more stimulating conversation than she’d expected, Maria invited Frank to her apartment for a ‘nightcap’. He followed her in his car, the few blocks from the bar to her place and Maria wasted no time getting him exactly where she wanted him - her bedroom.

Kissing turned to petting and then gradual shedding of clothes. Maria felt wonderfully aroused, as Frank woke the sexual animal inside of her from hibernation. She thrilled in Frank’s big hands trailing across her naked flesh, reveled in his masculinity.

It had been so long since Maria had a man in her bedroom. Her last serious relationship ended shortly after Rosa breezed back into town. The scars on her wrists shone in the dim light of the tiny lamp on her bedside table, but Frank was too occupied with other parts of her anatomy to notice.

He gently maneuvered her onto her back and kissed her gently. She could feel his hard cock against her thigh as surely as she could feel her own body responding to it.

“Is this ok?” Frank asked in a husky whisper, caressing the sides of her neck.

“Yes,” she answered breathlessly. “Take me, Frank.”

“Oh, I’ll take you.” Frank replied and a dark look chased any sign of arousal from his face. His eyes narrowed and he smiled maniacally while tightening his hands around her throat. “I’ll take you straight to hell.”







******************************************







"Hello? Is somebody down there?"

The frail, feminine voice woke Maria with a jolt. Her hands involuntarily flew to her windpipe - as if she could still feel the pressure of hands there. But it had only been a dream. One of the side effects of the antidepressant medication she was taking were vivid nightmares, a side effect Maria experienced in spades.

She was disoriented until she remembered where she was. Her current situation was a bit of a nightmare itself.. She must have dozed off, there on the shabby wooden floor of a stranger's house; a stranger who was apparently now alerted to her presence.

"Hi! Yes, I'm so sorry to barge in on you like this. I was in a car accident down the road and then I was chased by a dog. Your door was open.."

When Maria stood, the tire iron that was resting on her lap clattered to the floor.

"Who are you? What do you want?" The disembodied voice drifted downstairs.

"My name is Maria. I need to report my car accident and get some help. May I use your phone?"

"Yes, Child. Come upstairs. I have a phone."

Relieved to finally have help, Maria called back "It's very dark down here. Can you turn on a light?"

"Just a second, Dear." The voice replied.

Maria heard curious shuffling sounds followed by a loud thud before a dim, yellow light appeared above her, casting faint illumination on a staircase, opposite the front door, that she hadn't noticed in her panic to escape the dog.

"Come on up." The unseen voice rasped.

Maria swallowed hard. Something about the voice seemed...off. However, considering everything she'd been through that evening, she felt confident she could handle herself against an elderly woman. Regardless, she picked up the tire iron - just in case.

Maria walked to the base of the staircase and looked up. A threadbare carpet runner desperately clung to the middle of the wooden stairs. Frayed on either side, the carpet's busy, faded, geometric pattern gave Maria a queasy, vertigo feeling. She reached out and steadied herself on the curved, ornate wooden edge of the banister and tentatively put a foot on the bottom stair.

A tortured wooden creak broke the silence that reclaimed the house after the old woman's invitation. The relief that Maria originally felt, hearing another human voice, was lost in a sea of trepidation. Hand still on the banister, she cast a quick glance back at the front door behind her. The house was creepy and she had no idea what was waiting for her up those ominous stairs...maybe she should just take her chances outside.

As if on cue, the dog on the front porch howled and Maria ran up the stairs as fast as she could. Once she was at the top of the staircase, Maria called out, "Hello? Where are you?"

Shadowed hallways loomed on either side of her in the dusty light of the ancient light fixture glowing on the wall in front of her.

"Here!" The voice called from her right.

"Keep talking so I can find you, please." Maria begged as she turned to her right and stepped out of the light's reach.

"I'm here, Dear. Just follow the sound of my voice." The frail words were closer now. Maria was emboldened and staggered deeper into the dark upstairs hallway.

"Where are you?" Maria called. This time, there was no answer.

“Hello?” Maria called out again a little louder.

Silence.

Maria felt the hairs on the back of her neck rise, as if someone were behind her. Clutching her trusty tire iron, she furiously whirled around - to find no one.

“HELLO?”

Maria was practically screaming now. Her heart was pounding and she had the wild thought that she was still in the midst of a nightmare. She would have closed her eyes and willed herself to wake-up if she hadn’t been so terrified of whatever might be lurking in that dim, dusty corridor.

Her survival instincts were in hyper-drive but there was nothing to fight and nowhere to flee to so Maria just froze - straining her ears for any sound of life.

Minutes passed. Maria was contemplating her chances against the dog outside when a door creaked open down the hall. The light spilling from the room was brighter than that in the hallway.

“Hello?” This time Maria’s call was a whisper. 

Still no reply.

Maria slowly moved toward the source of the light, praying to God and Nina and all the angels in heaven that she wasn’t walking into a trap until she stood right in front of the partially open door.

She took a deep breath, pushed the door open with the tire iron and gasped when she stepped into the room.

The room was barren of any furniture and the windows were covered with heavy, black velvet drapes. A gaudy, old fashioned, crystal chandelier, hanging from the ceiling and covered in dusty cobwebs was the source of the room’s illumination. The most shocking thing about the room were the pictures on the walls.

Row upon row of hand drawn silhouettes, in ornate frames, covered every available space of the room’s walls. Maria’s terror subsided slightly once she realized that she was alone in the room. She was so amazed by the silhouettes that she momentarily forgot to wonder who’d opened the door or what happened to the frail voice she’d heard.

In stark contrast to the dusty chandelier, the wall hangings were immaculate. Set in carved, gold painted wooden frames, with matching patterns, each portrait looked freshly made. Dozens of shadowy profiles in black paint - or possibly charcoal - facing left graced the walls from floor to ceiling. Upon closer inspection, Maria realized that each face was unique. Men, women and children’s faces were all represented on the walls.

Some of the faces seemed like they were from centuries ago. Male faces with short ponytails from Colonial times, female faces with styled bobs from the 1920’s, small, childish faces under Sunday bonnets. One of the children’s portraits caught her eye. Maria hurried across the room and studied it intensely. It was Nina. Maria would have known that sweet face anywhere. The tiny, upturned tip of the nose, the little dimple in her chin. For months after the accident, Maria saw Nina everywhere. On the street, in the grocery store, anytime Maria saw a dark haired, little girl, Maria’s heart would catch in her throat and she’d crane her neck for a closer look - but, of course, it was never Nina.

This was Nina, impossibly, here in a wall in a decaying house, on a wall that Maria was never supposed to see. Spellbound, Maria looked closer at the portrait. She reached out and touched it, planning to remove the portrait from the glass to see if there was an artist’s signature on the back, when shadow hands emerged from the wall and grabbed her. Maria’s shrill shriek was lost in the sound of breaking glass and the dull thud of the tire iron crashing to the floor as Maria was dragged into crushing blackness.





******************************************





“Maria, baby. Come on, wake up.” Frank gently shook Maria awake. “Come on, baby. I scored. We can get well.”

“Frank?” Maria asked dully. “What time is it?”

“Why? You got somewhere to be?”

Frank’s laugh used to be one of Maria’s favorite sounds in the world but it changed drastically since they meet two years ago. It was almost like each level of addiction they sank to eroded some of his laughter’s joy, leaving raspy bitterness in its place.

Maria tried to blink the fog in her brain away. “I was having the strangest dreams.”

“I’ll get you fixed in a jiffy.” Frank promised as he began his preparation ritual. Maria remembered the first time she’d watched Frank prepare heroin for injection. They were sitting on the couch in her apartment, listening to Nirvana and drinking sangria. Maria watched, fascinated as Frank mixed the white powder with sterile water and heated it over a candle. She watched him carefully fill a syringe and flick the air bubbles out with his big hands. She dutifully extended her arm for the tourniquet and he tenderly massaged a vein to protrusion.

“You’ve got great veins, babe.” He told her. “Are you ready?”

“I don’t know, Frank. Maybe this isn’t a good idea.”

Frank promised her that it was the most incredible feeling in the world and he hadn’t been lying. However, he failed to mention that, after that initial high, she’d spend the rest of her life trying to recreate it. He didn’t tell her that in pursuit of that glorious high, she’d lose everything. Her job, the apartment, the car they’d lived in for a while. He never said that in 18 short months, they’d be squatting in an abandoned house, living in squalor with other addicts. He certainly never said that when things got bad, he’d sell her for drug money and that she’d eventually lose count of the number of men she slept with and all her self respect. Maria hated Frank more than she loved him now, but Maria couldn’t leave him. She had nowhere to go.

In the beginning, Maria was too squeamish to inject herself but she got over that pretty quickly. She didn’t trust Frank to be fair when sharing their ‘medicine’. As a matter of fact, she didn’t trust Frank at all anymore - mutual addiction was the only thing that bound them together.

Frank shot up, under Maria’s watchful eye. She was practically salivating for the syringe. She felt sick, nauseated and woozy, but she knew the second the heroin hit her blood stream she’d be right as rain. She had trouble finding a vein on her thin, scarred arms. Now, the gashes on her wrists were joined by track marks and bruises in various shades of purple and yellowish-green. There was only one thing that Maria hated more than herself - being sober.

Once the heroin began coursing through her system, Maria smiled for the first time in days and closed her eyes.





******************************************





“I need a crash cart over here!”

Maria heard a faint, authoritative male voice and tried, unsuccessfully, to open her eyes.

“Female, mid thirties, head trauma -”

“Oh, my God, no! Don’t do the hospital one again.” A familiar female voice interrupted. “I’m so bored with that one.”

“But I like that one.” the male replied.

“I don’t know why all you male nurses are obsessed with playing doctor. We’ll get to that later.” The female replied on a sultry giggle.

“Well, which one do you want to do, Rosa?”

“How about we start the sequence with her apple picking with Nina and end it with the zombie apocalypse? Did you make those recordings from ‘The Walking Dead’ like I asked?”

A door opened as Maria struggled to understand what was happening.

“Jesus Christ, she looks terrible! What have you guys been doing to her?”

“Since when do you care, Frank?”

“Well, I don’t want to fuck a bag of bones. Aren’t you giving her anything to eat?”

Maria recognized her sister’s voice and tried to say her name. A low moan was all she managed.

“I think she’s coming to.” The unidentified voice noted.

“Oh, goody!” Rosa squealed. “I want to have a little chat with my sister. Give her a squirt of adrenaline to get her back online.”

The fog lifted from Maria’s brain with a jolt. She tried to jump up, but was restrained at the wrists and ankles. She gazed around the room she barely recognized as her parent’s, in abject horror.

It resembled a Satanic dungeon she’d once seen in a movie - complete with heavy black velvet drapes and terrifying artwork on the wall. There was an IV stand next to her and a catheter bag hanging on the bed rails by her left side. Her mouth was covered with something, her entire body ached and her mind was spinning.

“Hi, Maria. Did you have a nice sleep?” Rosa asked mockingly.

“Mmmmmm.” Maria moaned.

“What was that, sister dear? Did you have something to say?” Rosa purred close to her ear. “Well, I don’t really want to hear from you right now.”

“Hasn’t she had enough, Rosa?” Frank asked from somewhere out of Maria’s line of sight.

“She’ll have enough, when I said she’s had enough, Frank.” Rosa sneered contentiously. “You knew what you signed up for when you agreed to help me.”

“You barely even liked that kid, Rosa. You were always saying what a pain in the ass she was. I still don’t understand why you saved your sister’s life - when she tried of off herself - if you were just going to fuck her up like this.” Frank replied.

“Because you have no vision, Frank. This is so much more fun. And the kid was a pain in the ass but she was mine!” Rosa screeched the last word, forcibly reminding Maria of the fights they had as children.

“Anyway, Frank, aren’t there several warrants for your arrest floating around out there? It would be a shame if someone tipped off the police to your whereabouts. Now shut up, get out and don’t ever question me again. ” Rosa commanded and Maria heard the door open and close once more.

Rosa positioned her face directly above Maria’s.

“I bet you have a lot of questions for me, Maria, but that’s not how this works. You took something from me and now I’m taking something back.”

Maria tried pleading with her sister non-verbally. “Silly, woman. Your puppy dog eyes have lost their appeal in days of late. See for yourself.” Rosa told her sister, pointing at the mirrored ceiling.

When Maria saw her reflection she tried to scream. She was emaciated, lying in a hospital bed, with duct tape covering her mouth. Her head had been shaven and an IV line was running into a port on her right hand. Her eyes were sunken and wild. She barely recognized herself.

“Well, that’s enough of that. Give her some LSD and a sedative, Ted.” Rosa ordered the remaining man in the room.

“Let’s get my sister ready for her bedtime story.”